Heart too big...

I was driving home from clinicals today just completely beat. My mind, body, and soul are exhausted to the point of no return. I have always been told I have a good heart and a kind heart but now I fear that it may have led me to this new batch of trouble I am in. I always want those closest to me to be happy, to have what they need, and to just smile. I try too hard to make that happen and it has cost me big time. Not just financially but emotionally too. I hate to see someone I love in distress it triggers something in me to do all I can, even when I really shouldn't or really can't. I have always been a hopeless romantic in almost any given situation waiting for the silver lining.
I realize now that perhaps (a little too late) there were some who didn't need me to race to the rescue. Not because they didn’t need me, but because I couldn’t afford to do it. Ok partially because I was enabling them to crawl instead of walking for themselves. Lesson learned (I sure hope so)! I can't afford to wait for people to start repaying the favors I bestowed, that was never my intentions in the first place. It just felt really good seeing frowns become smiles. I am an addict for happiness even if I am mooey unhappy! I used to keep a smile on my face no matter what until I really did have something to smile about. (Ask Charlyce) I would smile thru tragedy! Not so much now!
I used to let people believe I was a pessimist but in secret I was always an optimist, waiting on that Hail Mary to save the day. I don't believe in that much these days especially as the world scrambles to keep itself together and the list of "have nots" keeps getting longer I find more comfort in my pessimistic side. At least this way there is some sense of self-preservation even if I find this now dominating side of me repugnant, it's comforting to expect the worst and get the worst. Expecting the best but constantly getting the worse will dull your appetite for "Hail Marys".
I am not bitter; bitter implies anger and I am not angry. I am much more realistic this way at least I think so. Which means my writing will be filled with much more realism and even more hope. Because with characters you can shape them and make them do the things you can't or couldn't without changing your beliefs. As I have been focusing on getting back to the nursing program my writing has taken a backseat BTW! I refuse to purposely write garbage even though I am so close to wrapping up my last story. It means too much to me to just put a bow on garbage and call it mines.
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. ~George F. Will, The Leveling Wind

If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say, in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well, this isn't too bad. I don't have my left arm anymore, but at least nobody will ever ask me whether I am right-handed or left-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of "Aaaaah! My arm! My arm!" ~Lemony Snicket

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. ~Author Unknown